Let me begin by saying that I don’t need a Christmas present.  I don’t.  You know what I love?  Christmas cards that kids make and write in.  They are hilarious.  Here is one I got this year:

This was especially meaningful as it was from a kid I have never taught.  That’s how good I am.  Kids I have never taught still think of me as their best best best teacher.

And I can see, as awesome as I am and as equally fabulous as your kid’s teacher is, why you would want to shower me/them with presents.  So let me help you help your child’s teacher out.  

Let’s  remember that the person you trust your little darling with every day has probably not had a raise in three or more years.  Your gift is sort of like an ambassador to this teacher saying, “I appreciate you so much and am so thankful for the influence you have over my dear little Betty Sue.” or, “I am really really sorry that I failed in my attempt to raise a respectful, self-controlled little person and recognize that my spawn may cause you bi-weekly anxiety attacks.”  That doesn’t mean it has to cost a lot of money, it just means it shouldn’t be crap.

So when your think to yourself, “Everyone could use a mug” or, “she’s a teacher, she’ll love this witty Hallmark shirt that says, ‘You can’t scare me; I’m a teacher’.” You are a liar and providing your beloved teacher with a spacial predicament that might carry over into the classroom and cause them to yell at the school librarian or maybe even your kiddo (but not me; I don’t do that).  

Did you see that?

Crappy Presents = Yelling.

Bad Idea.

That’s how many mugs I already have.  Just the ones inside my house.  And neither Paul nor I drink coffee, hot tea or really even hot chocolate all that often.  

Another trend in gift giving I’ve noticed in recent years is giving your child $1 and letting them run into The Dollar Tree by themselves to pick out anything they want.  Fact:  6 year olds have really bad taste.  Listen, when I told you I don’t need a present I was being serious.  I really don’t.  I’m totally stocked up on snow globes, figurines and plaques.  

The 3rd most popular gift giving situation leaves me with cold-guilt-sweats.  Parents, please check your kid’s backpacks for stow aways.  You know we don’t need a gift but your child doesn’t.  So we end up with stuffed animals, toys and ONCE I was given a ruby ring that was a family heirloom.  Sticky fingers.

You may have a personal problem with gift cards and that’s okay.  But I’m here to tell you that a $5 gift card to that coffee place we can’t normally afford to go to?  uh-maze-ing (don’t be all, “but you don’t even drink coffee” because I will suck down a frappuccino like nobody’s business).  

And if you’re rich and/or generous and/or have the child who causes the bi-weekly anxiety attacks and you get your kid’s teacher a bigger gift card so they can go shopping at Target or buy something fun at their favorite store or get to go on a date with their husband?  Perfection.  Seriously.  

So to recap, the best gift is a gift card, the next best gift is something else, the next to worst gift is crap and the worst gift is anything that immediately identifies them as a teacher if they wear it in public.